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The Winds of Change - 7/2/2006 11:02:53 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
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Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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I am forever amazed to see yet again how the difficulties in life produce blessings. I've long been reaping the benefit of a very unpredictable childhood. My mother was married and divorced 3 times, I lived sometimes with her and sometimes with my grandparents, I never went more than 2 consecutive years to the same school, my mother moved at least once a year, I'd leave to go live with my grandparents and come back to find that my dog had been taken to the pound, etc., etc.. And the upshot is that God has taken all those and many more crazy circumstances and made me into a person who loves change. I don't seek it, I don't have to have new and different all the time. But when the inevitable happens and things will no longer remain the same I can feel an inner sense of excitement. I look forward to whatever is going to come next and have always been aware that this is a very great blessing. So many people dread and fight against change while I joyfully embrace it.
The reason I've been thinking about this is that I've had to come to a decision that is going to bring change into my children's lives. They've already experienced a divorce and moving to a new house and environment. Now they will have to adjust to going to public school after attending Christian schools to this point. It's been a difficult decision that I have prayed and agonized over. I wanted the best for my kids no matter the cost. Well, sometimes you just can't have that.
My daughter sobbed when I told her. Had a complete meltdown. And she said specifically that she hates change. That she's already had so much of it and she just wishes this one thing, school, could stay the same. In the midst of my heart being broken for her, I wonder if I have done these kids a disservice by trying to give them the stability that I never had. I wonder if they would be more resilient and better able to cope with the 'unfairness' of life if I had not done all within my power to keep things on an even keel for them. Even the divorce has been as smooth for them as I could possibly make it and they never have to worry about what will happen when their parents meet. I think I've done too much to keep things the same for them and it has hindered their ability to roll with the punches. How heartbreaking it is to realize that what you thought you were doing for their good has become a hindrance to their growth.
Once again, I must call on God to take my mistakes and turn them for good. This time in the lives of my kids. And this time I am so especially grateful that He is able to do it. I pray that He will give me wisdom so that what I do will benefit my children in the long run rather than harm them. That I may see that any hardship they endure now will, if given to God, produce blessings they will enjoy for much longer than the hardship itself. Truly, God's ways are not our ways and I need to look to Him rather than trusting that I know best when it comes to raising these blessings of mine.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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The God of What Will Be - 7/12/2006 10:04:30 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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Last night I was sitting outside and the quality of light, the breeze and the sounds around me reminded me so strongly of the place my grandparents used to take me to on vacation. I could close my eyes and I was right there, 25 years ago. And then the tears came.
I have never wanted to be a kid again. My teenage years were rough and I've not had the desire to go back. But last night it occurred to me that my adult years have been tougher. And suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the longing to be 15 again. I wanted a redo. To have the chance to not do all the stupid things I've done since then. Other than my precious kids and the fact that I found Christ in that time, last night I had difficulty seeing any good in the last 25 years.
Of course, I was probably just having a pity party with a guest list of one. But it was a strange experience for me. It's never happened before. I've always been one to face what is and not worry about what should be. And I think that's healthy and wise. But I also think it may have been kind of healthy to have allowed myself a little sorrow over the pain of life.
Because God was there. Right in the middle of my little self-indulgent crying spell. We talked. He knows that, while some of my pain was caused by my own sinful decisions, much of it wasn't. Of course He knows. And He was there, through it all, just as He's with me now. And He showed me things that I didn't know before. Things that will keep me busy thinking about for some time to come.
Yes, I have regrets. I've never admitted it before but I do. But today, once again, I know that God is the God of What Is. There are no redos and He tells me I don't need one. He's also the God of What Will Be and I am assured that He has all of that safely under control. I can momentarily lose control because He's still in control. He's the only safety net I have and I thank Him that He's the only one I've ever needed.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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I am homesick - 7/30/2006 11:53:22 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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Once, when I was a little girl, a butterfly landed on the back of my hand. I was maybe 4 or 5 and playing in the backyard of my grandparent's house. It was probably a Monarch, those were the kind I remember seeing most. In spite of how clearly and in what detail I can remember the rest of those few minutes, I cannot remember the color of that butterfly's wings.
I was enthralled, completely enchanted. I held my breath, didn't move, afraid that I would break the spell of something so lovely choosing me to land on. I thought I had found perfection, that here was something completely beautiful and without flaw. My wonder and joy crystalized the moment, caused Time to stop.
It must have kept its wings outspread for some time after it landed because I remember it slowly folded its lovely wings and I saw, for the first time, the legs. Horror and disgust filled me. But also profound, deep and penetrating, sorrow. It grieved me to my soul that this exquisite and wondrous piece of perfection was not perfect at all. Was, in fact, a bug with a bug body, bug eyes and, worst of all, bug legs. I screamed and shook it off my hand. And in that moment, a hurt so deep and a longing so great as to be unfathomable entered my heart. I saw with a clarity that startles me to this day that there is nothing here on earth that is absolutely perfect, that every lovely thing has an underside of ugliness and it made me deeply and piercingly sad. It also set up a yearning at my very core. The certain knowledge that I would never, ever see or experience anything that was without flaw made me long for it all the more. I don't think that any other experience I've ever had has left it's mark so deeply. That can still make me feel and see and smell the precise moment when the world shook itself and, afterward, when all had settled back into it's accustomed place, everything in it was different.
Today, of course, I see that longing as longing for God and my true home. Where there is no more sorrow and no more tears. No more ugliness. Where my desire and yearning for perfection will be filled to overflowing and I won't remember that there ever wasn't such a thing. Where this aching, empty spot will be filled and I will become truly and completely whole in Him.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Strike a Death Blow - 8/15/2006 10:04:17 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
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But David said to Saul, “Your servant was tending his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I went out after him and attacked him, and rescued it from his mouth; and when he rose up against me, I seized him by his beard and struck him and killed him.
Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear……”
1 Samuel 17:33-36a
Here David is giving his credentials and, in telling Saul, he is reminding himself of what God has already accomplished through and in him. He had, on more than one occasion, by himself and bare-handed, killed both lions and bears. He knows what he has done and is therefore not afraid of what he must do.
I’ve recently had a couple of occasions to think about this passage. The first occurred when I received a small disappointment. I found that what I thought was true wasn’t even in the same neighborhood with truth. And, after lamenting for a bit, this passage came to mind. I realized yet again that I have killed many, and much larger, lions and bears in the form of being disappointed in someone. When I looked back at what God has already conquered in and through me it put my small hurt back into perspective very quickly. I killed it and ceased lamenting.
The other occasion was a conversation with a friend in which he mentioned a “monster” in his life that he tries, and very often succeeds in, forgetting about. He, too, has seized lions by the beard and killed them in the past. This monster, or giant, may be the biggest, most intimidating one he’s come up against so far. I honestly don’t know. But I know he has it in him, through the grace of God, to kill this one too. To render the beast powerless over his life.
So often we find ourselves viewing our circumstances with the cry “oh no, Lord, not more pain, disappointment, burden, struggle, fill-in-the-blank.” My prayer is that we can begin to look back and see the many lions and bears that God has enabled us to defeat. That we may look at our present circumstances knowing that what we face does not have the power to get the better of us. That, no matter how big the giant, we have been brought to this place with the necessary courage, strength and experience to strike it down in it’s tracks, never allowing it to rear it’s ugly head again.
Do you face a giant? Look at your past and marvel at the wonders God has performed. See the things you have already conquered and be encouraged. Seize the thing that threatens to hinder you and strike a death blow.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Obedience ~ an act of will - 9/14/2006 6:01:47 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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...in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
We are told to give thanks for everything. Everything. The good and what we think isn't good. How? How do we thank God for things that seem downright horrible, unjust and painful? Well, it's a matter of obedience. We say the words. "Father, I don't understand and I'm in a lot of pain but You tell me to give thanks in everything and so I thank You for (fill in the blank)."
Most of the time (okay, all of the time) that I'm hurting and things are happening that shouldn't be, I really don't feel like thanking God for it. As a matter of fact, sometimes I'm so hurt and angry and even bitter I don't particularly want to talk to God at all. So thanking Him for what's causing me the hurt seems like an impossible demand.
But God never tells us to do anything that isn't for our own good. And I've learned that I don't particularly have to feel thankful. But I do need to be obedient and say the words and ask Him to change my heart to agree with what I'm saying. We don't have to do it perfectly, we just have to be willing to do what He says.
So many things get in the way of me doing this. Anger, pain and, mostly, stubbornness. And that's why it's so important that I make myself do it. Willful obedience when disobedience is the path of least resistance. Because stubbornness is something that makes it impossible for God to do anything with me. When I balk I'm useless.
And even when I hurt and I hate what's happened or happening the one thing I don't want to be is useless. Obedience is an act of will and we can be obedient no matter how we feel or what state our emotions are in. In order to be in fellowship with the One who loves us and to be part of His plans and His work. It really is a small thing He asks of us in order to grow us up in His Son's image who was, after all, obedient even unto death.
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 9/14/2006 6:16:57 PM >
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Unconscious Grace - 9/30/2006 11:51:03 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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I just came back from my ex-brother-in-law’s wedding. He’s my ex-husband’s brother and, strangely enough, his bride is now my ex-sister-in-law. I was there because my in-laws all still consider me part of the family and because I truly wish my ex-bil and new ex-sil all the best in the world. My ex-husband was the best man at the wedding and he’d brought his new girlfriend with him. I’ve met her several times and find her to be a very nice person.
At the reception I was surprised and delighted to hear calls from people in all parts of the room for me to come and sit with them. I had been worried that there would be no place for the kids and I. That fear was unfounded. I was hugged the entire evening within an inch of my life. One of the people that I talked with after the meal told me that when she saw me walk into the church she watched to see what would happen when I encountered my ex’s girlfriend. When she saw that I smiled and greeted his girlfriend she gave me a mental “Atta girl”. I had no idea she’d been watching but I did notice that many people at the reception watched me out of the corner of their eye. Or there would come a moment in conversation that seemed a little awkward. I found that if I said something silly or funny about the fact of me being there along with the ex’s new girlfriend, the awkwardness went away. I think everyone else was much more aware and worried about the situation than I was. I’m glad I was able to dispel any uncomfortable ness there was because I certainly didn’t wish to be the cause of any. And, as I remarked to the lady mentioned above, my children are almost certainly going to have a stepmother. This girlfriend is a Christian, she’s very nice and she seems to genuinely like my kids. Wanting the best for my kids I’d be crazy not to hope that she will be that stepmother.
So the wedding and reception went off without a hitch and I had a remarkably good time. Chatting and catching up with so many people that I hadn’t seen in months and, in some cases, years. I found that those folks were glad to see me and talk to me for who I am and not because I was part of a particular family. That was a delightful epiphany.
I do not want to seem to be claiming credit for any of my attitude. You know and I know that only God could do this. God’s way with our hearts, when we let Him have the reins, is amazing. There is no other way to describe it. I thank Him that, if people were watching me to see how I’d act, He gave me the unconscious grace to not make Him look bad.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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He's in the Little Things - 10/27/2006 9:18:37 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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I had the privilege this week to chat with a friend from the forums and get to know her better. One of the things I love about getting to know the people here is that there is never any hesitation on anyone's part to talk about our Father. It's like we can't wait to say "Hey, let me tell you about what God did in my life today." That blesses me so much.
While I was talking with my friend she related some miraculous things that she has seen and experienced. Really big things. But then she also related how God is in the little things, too. She said 'little things are BIG things...' I've been thinking about that since we talked. Thinking about all the times every single day that God smooths our path, gives us strength to do what needs to be done, puts the right person in our life at the exact right moment.
Those things aren't accidents or coincidences. And they certainly aren't because we've done anything right or deserve them. They are God's fingerprints. Evidence that He has been right here in the midst of our lives, working on our behalf. Not only does Almighty God not need to care for us the way He does, He also wouldn't need to show us that it's Him. He could leave us blind, letting us believe in coincidence or luck. Or, worse yet, that we are somehow responsible for our own blessings. But He doesn't, He lets us see Him out of His unfathomable love for us.
The God we serve is very much a God of details. It's in the little things, in the perfect ways he gives us the desires of our hearts that we are barely aware of ourselves, that show us His awesomeness and His perfect love. Look around your life. Look for His fingerprints in your circumstances, the little miracles. I know you will find them. And rejoice in the knowledge that He is in the middle of your life, caring for you more carefully and faithfully than you care for yourself.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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I'll Take Grace - 12/10/2006 2:49:09 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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It seems that many of the things I think on enough to blog about come from conversations with my CW friends. And this is no exception. :)
I was talking to one of my very favorite people and he commented that what trips so many Christians up in so many ways is the belief that life is fair. We are taught from little on up that we need to be fair. Share our toys, take turns, etc. And then we grow up and think that life still works that way and it simply isn't so.
We find ourselves in situations that cause us a lot of anger, angst and confusion because they are patently unfair. We ask how this can possibly be when we've been as faithful and obedient as we know how to be. Or we've done what we truly and sincerely believed to be the right thing to do and find ourselves knocked flat with no explanation. Or we know people who are Godly and faithful and, yet, seem to have a great big target on them for sorrow and disappointment and disaster.
So, we wonder and worry and try to make sense of it. We tell ourselves and others that 'this' is the reason God has allowed such and so to happen. He's keeping us from something worse or His timing is perfect or He's preparing us for what He has in store for us. And, many times, those things are absolutely true. Other times they are merely words we say to make ourselves feel better and to enable us to cling to the idea that life is fair and that we'll get what we deserve for all our faithfulness eventually.
But stop and think. I know God is just but do I really want Him to be "fair"? Do I honestly want what I "deserve"? A thousand times NO! What I deserve is hell and eternal separation from Him. No matter how faithful I think I am, no matter how obedient, I am a sinner. It's who I am not what I do. And if God gave me what I truly deserve it would be horrific indeed.
So God, in His infinite love, satisfied justice by sacrificing His Son so that I don't have to suffer what I deserve.
And His "unfairness" extends into our daily lives to our good all the time. He tells those I've hurt to forgive me. Whether I'm sorry or not. He sometimes relieves me of the consequences of my foolish and disobedient behavior. What's "fair" about that? Not a thing. So when we grouse and grumble about things not happening the way they "should" according to our ideas of fair-play it behooves us to remember that it works the other way, too, and that we reap the benefits regularly.
God is just but life isn't fair. And I'll take grace any day.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Maintaining Our Wonder - 1/24/2007 10:40:22 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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"Listen to this, O Job,
Stand and consider the wonders of God."
Job 37:14
As my friend was praying a week or so ago, he spoke a phrase that has stuck with me since. He asked God to help us 'maintain our wonder'. I was struck at the time and it still resonates within me. I've thought about what a perfect thing that was to ask, to request from the Creator of all we see around us. That we might continue to see His work, both internally and externally, and, ever anew, to be amazed. Be filled with wonder.
How dull a life it is which cannot glimpse through dimmed eyes the captivating wonder of this world and all it's inhabitants. How boring. How hopeless.
But, when we catch a glimmer of His might, His delicacy, His attention to detail in the world and people around us. When we catch that glimmer and a spark of wonder lights in our minds we find hope again and joy and awe. We are transported out of ourselves, out of our daily routine, and find ourselves in a sort of wonderland. We are struck still at the sight of a grandfather with his granddaughter and put in awe of the love that passes between them. We marvel at the intricacies of color on a bird's plumage or the designs buried in rock. The light of the sun filtering through May leaves takes our breath away. Leaves us blinded by glory. The order and logic of our universe make our chests swell and like to burst with the awesomeness and perfection of it all.
These are truly things of wonder. But when we look past them too many times, when we become inured to their beauty and magnificence, we have lost our wonder. This is truly tragic. So asking that we be able to maintain our wonder seemed an inspired request.
We are sons and daughters of The King. Shall we be spoiled and, given a beautiful world, find fault with it at every turn or ignore it completely and wish we had more. Or will we waken each day and see beauty first thing. Will we find wonder in our children's smiles and in the way the sunlight, passing through beveled glass, makes rainbows on the walls. And, more importantly, will we find wonder in our companions and co-workers. Can we, are we able to, see that they were created in the image of our Maker, too? Can we find the things within them that are delightful and admirable and that reflect Christ? Can we not only maintain our own wonder but share that wonder with others? Give them a glimpse of the hope and joy and awe that we have been freely given?
I pray it is so. I pray that God will help us to maintain our wonder. May it ever increase and overflow to those around us.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Staggering Desperation - 5/14/2007 9:14:01 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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My friend wrote to me awhile back. He was talking about being without Christ and he used the phrase "staggering desperation". It has stuck with me like a burr since.
Then, three weeks ago at church, a missionary was speaking and asked why are we surprised when the lost act like the lost?
Very often we forget what we were before Christ saved us. Worse, we never think about what we would have become if He hadn't stepped in and arrested our downward spiral. Changed our hearts and minds, made us new creatures. Too often we look at people as 'unbelievers' and condemn, forgetting that we were like them at one time. We play with words and tell ourselves that we were 'lost' or that we 'hadn't yet seen the light'. Our unbelief was excusable but, now that we are Christians, we have no compassion or empathy for those who still live without light. We don't remember that they are lost, wandering in hopelessness, pain and cynicism. We forget that their actions and attitudes spring from a staggering desperation, just as ours once did. We expect people to 'act right', shaking our heads and giving up on them when they don't follow the list of "thou shalts" we carry around with us to prove our worth and separate the wheat from the chaff as though that were our job. We compare ourselves with 'unbelievers' (can't you hear the echoes of "Heathen! Infidel!) in order to have someone to look down our self-righteous noses at, in order to feel smug and complacent about ourselves.
This last week in church we sang...
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
What burdens and pressures, restrictions and guilt fall away when we consider the truth and simplicity of those words? What freedom? Freedom to accept that the lost are not set in stone, that their unbelief is less a rebellion and more a symptom of the staggering desperation and hopelessness they feel, to get a glimmer of what they could be when Jesus changes them and to want that wholeheartedly. To have hearts after God's own.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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A Good Work - 6/5/2007 11:17:03 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ. -- Philippians 1:6
When I first came to Christ, when He first delivered me from darkness and pain, I experienced an incredible release and relief. Doors opened, shackles dropped off and I had liberating freedom. Joy bubbled up out of me, I couldn’t contain it. Everything, absolutely every bit of pain (which included a desperately unhappy childhood, the death of my own first-born child and the knowledge that I could never, ever have healthy biological children) was as nothing compared to the gift that God had given me freely. I could and did easily thank Him for my past because it had led me to where I was. And the place that I found myself was incomprehensibly delightful and joyous.
All of that, of course, wore off. I’d gone to church for awhile already and had never heard the salvation message. Only lists of 'Don’ts' and 'You shoulds' and 'we have tos'. And that’s what I still heard after salvation. Only now I really paid attention. And I found that I wasn’t a very good Christian. That every which way I turned I was failing somehow. Well, after what God had done for me, I sure didn’t want to fail Him. So I listened to the pastor and the other Christians around me, I read my Bible and I prayed for God to help me defeat this, that and the other in my life. I worked hard at being good. For God.
And the more I tried, the more I failed. Over the course of years, struggling to be what I thought God wanted me to be, I became exhausted, bitter, angry and resentful. I wouldn’t admit that, of course. But it spilled out in my life and that gave me and others just one more club to brow-beat me with. It didn’t seem to matter how hard I tried or how hard I prayed, I just became more critical, more unhappy and I wasn’t even on the same planet with joy. I didn’t understand. If I was a new creature in Christ why did I feel and act like the same old failure?
Then I was studying my Bible and I read Philippians 1:6. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ.” The implications hit me like a brick. I was failing because I was trying to do the Holy Spirit’s job. Paul says it plain as day. It wasn’t I who began a good work or anything else. And it wasn’t I who would perfect anything. Only the Holy Spirit can do that and I’d been getting in His way all these years. I gave up trying to ‘be good’ and learned a thing or three. Turns out, when I was working on “this” problem, not only was my focus on ME not HIM, but it also wouldn’t allow Him to work on the things He wanted accomplished. Pride, the thing that God hates, had kept me thinking that I could do something with myself. That I could turn myself into “a holy and living sacrifice” for Him. The thought is so ludicrous as to be funny.
I’ve stepped out of His way now. A good bit of the time, anyway. He surprises me with the things He changes, the things He teaches me, things I’d have never begun to think about in a million years. And yet those are the things that He wants done and He does them relatively painlessly. He certainly causes me far less pain than I was causing myself for all those years. And, in the process, He’s given me back something that I’d lost for a very long time.
He’s given me Joy
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 6/5/2007 11:50:57 AM >
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Joy is in the ears that hear - 7/5/2007 8:23:24 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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Joy is in the ears that hear.
That line is from one of my favorite books. It's a proverb from a fictional race of people whose history was unbelievable full of sadness and longing. They were tale-tellers and their response to sorrow was to accept it and then, to laugh and rejoice in the goodness that was left.
That proverb has stayed with me for long years. It reminds me that we have choices about what we embrace in this life. So many people look around them and see nothing but hopelessness and despair. They react with cynicism, anger and suspicion. There are others, though, who look at the same fallen world and see hope and love and find in themselves the capacity to laugh in the enemy's face when confronted by sorrow and disappointment. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Joy is in the ears that hear.
No, not everything we look upon or hear is good. Much of it isn't. But we choose what we accept into our hearts and minds. We choose what we give weight to. Anger and bitterness are the result of choosing to only see the bad and ignore the good. Bewilderment and disappointment are the result of ignoring reality and only seeing good. But joy and laughter, tempered by compassion and realistic expectations, are the result of seeing both the good and bad and choosing to not let the bad take root in our hearts.
It's not an accident. We are responsible for finding the joy in what we hear. The burden is on us, we cannot, must not, blame others for the state of our minds. For, if we do, we lose the ability to change anything and we have put ourselves, of our own accord, at the mercy of others. That is folly.
I cannot seem to do justice to all the meaning this phrase carries for me but perhaps by merely sharing it, someone else will be struck by the simple wisdom of choosing to pull joy out of the world. Joy is in the ears that hear and I pray you find it.
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 7/5/2007 8:26:25 AM >
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Paradox - 12/10/2007 10:52:30 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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Maybe because it's nearly Christmas I've been thinking about the contrast between the spiritual and the material. Thinking about the paradox of God made man.
And how, so often, it's only in the going away from that brings us closer to. That sounds crazy, doesn't it? Mutually exclusive. A paradox. So many things are like quicksilver. The harder we try to grab and hold it, the faster it runs away from us. Have you experienced this in your life? I have. And I've seen it in countless others. When we demand what we want it becomes less likely that we'll ever get what we need and we'll never be satisfied.
A parent who tells her children often of all the sacrifices she makes for them, all the care and thought she gives to them, in order to make them appreciate her. It never works. The things she uses to bind her children to her are the very things that push them away.
People who are takers, never allowing others the opportunity to give them what they need and so always demand more and more. And how when we go after and get what we want, we end up even less filled than we started. Both are downward spirals and the more we try to go directly for what we want the less we get what we need.
Take love for example. Most of us know that love is not a zero-sum emotion. We never run out no matter how much we give away. The more we give - selflessly, expecting nothing in return - the more we get. But if we give it in order to get it, we'll be sorely disappointed many times over. Downward spiral.
Like women who desire romance, or their idea of what romance looks like. They are so set on getting what they want and so disappointed when they don't that they never see the romance in the day to day living with their spouse. Downward spiral.
Or trying to fill an emptiness with things. We become bottomless pits. Becoming emptier and emptier with each new thing we acquire. Downward spiral.
How to achieve an upward spiral? Do something counterintuitive. Feel needy? Give more. In every way possible. Feel unloved? Love more, splash some honest caring all over the people in your life. Try to drown them in it and watch how joyfully they bob to the surface. Want romance? See the romance in the everyday acts and decisions that expose your spouse's good character. Want fullness? Pour yourself out. All over the place.
God, almighty and all-powerful, deliberately choosing to become a weak, powerless baby in order to save and reconcile us to Himself (who are we to deserve this?) just doesn't make sense. Along with God dying on a cross, it's the ultimate paradox. And yet, that's how it had to work. The best things in life are just like that.
Counterintuitive.
Going away from brings us closer to.
May God's Paradox be more fully revealed to you and in you.
Merry Christmas!
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Both Meticulous and Lavish - 1/1/2008 1:57:11 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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It's snowing and I was just outside watching snowflakes melt in my hand. Many of them were melting before I had the chance to see the design of them and I thought that was a shame. And then it occurred to me to think about what that tells me about the nature of God. A God who is so meticulous that He creates each snowflake to be different from every other snowflake and yet is so lavish that He can afford to let them, all their beauty and design, just melt and vanish.
We are told to consider the lilies of the field which are here today and tomorrow wither. Consider also the beauty and detail of the snowflake that lasts a mere second before melting away. If God designs snowflakes with so much attention to detail how much more will He invest in the details of my life?
So often I am satisfied to ask for or accept 'good enough'. But it seems to me that I must grieve Him when I do that. If I look at what He reveals about Himself in a snowflake I must conclude that He has better things in mind for me than just good enough. If I leave the giving to Him, He will choose His very best for me. Attending to details fitting me perfectly that I wasn't even aware of. Because He knows every detail about me, He created me and knows me precisely, beyond my understanding. If I will only let Him, He will align the details perfectly, according to His will and pleasure, and I will be awed by His precision and perfection.
Yet I hesitate to ask for more than good enough. After all, who am I to ask anything? Still, I believe He is a God who is both meticulous and lavish and who desires to give me His best. And you know what? Gratefully and with adoration, I'll take it!
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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A True Heart for God - 2/3/2008 10:34:06 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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The question was posed “What does it mean to you to have a true heart for God?” That question has caused me to think long and hard and examine the honesty and integrity of my heart. In answering questions, I earnestly try to avoid two things; speaking in Christian-ese or using Sunday School answers and telling myself lies. As I’ve thought and prayed about this question I keep coming back to one answer...that I can't even want a true heart for Him without Him putting that desire in me in the first place.
If I am honest with myself, the best I can do on some, or even most, days is wanting to want what God wants. This is different from, and far less than, actually wanting what God wants. Because God wants to conform me to the image of His Son, and I know full well that that involves being refined through fire, pruning and being shaken. I won’t lie, I don’t want any of those things. I’ve been through some very hot fires and while I can be grateful for them on this side I cannot bring myself to wish for more of the same. Knowing how much pruning hurts and how much being shaken causes confusion and doubt, no matter how temporary, it is beyond me to sincerely want that. My only hope is to know what God wants for me and to appeal to Him for the capacity to want that, too.
I am a flawed person. In order to do the work He promises to do in me according to Philippians 1:6, God will work out those flaws. He will use whatever means necessary to knock off and smooth the rough edges, to burn away the impurities and to cut away the unproductive. Even knowing how grateful I will be for the results,the thought of the process sometimes fills me with dread. Especially because He has mercifully allowed me a period of peace and rest for a few years now. It would be so easy to become complacent. To pray for nothing but more peace and rest. I really want to ask for what would give me comfort and ease. I really don’t want to ask for what would perfect me.
So the best I can do, the truest I can be, until I am made perfect on That Day, is to try to want what God wants, to try to want His will over my own and pray that He makes me want to have, and be capable of having, a true heart for Him.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Sound Theology Discourages Ignorance - 3/16/2008 1:50:35 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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I've recently run up against two examples of ignorance. One is a glaring example (the belief that the earth stands still and that the sun rotates around it) but harmless. What evil could come of such a belief? None that I can see beyond some humor at the adherents expense.
The other is much less joke-worthy and much more harmful. It is the doctrine that all remarriage is adultery and must be "repented of", i.e. the partners must divorce. The ensuing harm and chaos that such a doctrine brings in it's wake is reprehensible.
But whatever my feelings about the issues, the thing that most bothers me is that proponents of both views extend the exact same defense of their position and the implied authority and correctness of their pet doctrine. That is, both insist that the only resource to be used is the Bible. No other information is permitted. Those who are specialists in science in the first case and language, culture and bible scholarship in the second are scoffed at, denounced and dismissed out of hand. We are told "Let's not look at the books of men at all". No amount of proof, evidence, information or scholarship is admitted. Rather, we are to engage in the subjective exercise of "sitting at the feet of Jesus".
Don't get me wrong. I am all for sitting quietly with God and asking the Holy Spirit to teach me as I study my Bible. But I am also very much in favor of comparing subjective experience to objective information. I have to conclude that a doctrine which fears the input of other resources is a very fragile doctrine indeed.
Next, the advocates of both views imply that the fact that the majority of Christians do not come to the same conclusions they do and do not agree with them somehow adds to their credibility. We are to believe them simply because no one else does!
The superior smugness that these arguments are filled with is at once worrisome and frustrating. They point to the Bible and a very literal interpretation and say "God says it, if you don't believe my interpretation, you don't believe Him." What outrageous arrogance! And yet, the potential for the spreading of this ignorance is disturbing. There are those new to the faith or confused about grace vs. works who may be swayed to believe such folly by virtue of the insistence and repetitiveness of its adherents. They will be beat over the head with a Bible until they acquiesce. What kind of discipling is this? Would it not be better to teach people what we know, point them to more information and encourage them to think critically for themselves?
Sound theology has nothing to fear from more learning, more information or even from opposing viewpoints. It is not shaken by these things but made more real and more defensible in our minds. We have nothing to fear from science or from learning about the culture, language and idioms that give us a fuller and deeper understanding of God's Word. Sound theology encourages research and discussion. Sound theology discourages ignorance instead of promoting it.
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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No One At All - 4/13/2008 10:06:57 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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This entry was originally posted elsewhere on 5/14/07 and Crosswalk and this blog thread are what are referenced at the beginning. An incident had affected me very negatively and I let bitterness take root. God had a few pointed things to say to me about it. And He used those points to deflate my ego considerably. I thank Him that He did.
I had a blog at a Christian site. I got few comments on it but, for whatever reason, it got many 'hits'. People read it.
And then, largely due to my own bad attitude, I decided not to write there anymore. I was feeling pretty spiteful and said, in my heart of hearts, I don't want 'those people' reading my heart-felt thoughts. I didn't want them knowing the inner me. And so I let my blog fall into oblivion where no one could find it.
What a ridiculous idiot I am sometimes. I needed a(nother) lesson in humility and I got it. God wonders who I am to think that I should determine who is worthy to read my stuff? He pointed out to me that there are upwards of 2500 unregistered guests reading at that site at any given moment in time. I have no idea if any of them read my blog, why would they? But the fact remains that one or two might be. According to the hits it got, someone was. I sure don't think what I write is anything to brag about but I do honestly attempt to relate whatever God is trying to get through my own thick head at the time. And then it's up to Him. But I got so high and mighty, so ridiculous really, that I thought I knew better than He about what to do with the lessons He's patiently trying to teach me. I am truly a fool sometimes.
And so, I've resurrected the blog and learned a little more about who I am and who I am decidedly not. If God can use me in any little way at all, who am I to say that I refuse to be that particular tool? No one. No one at all.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Growing Up Fatherless - 6/15/2008 9:34:41 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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For weeks I've been waiting for the inspiration and compulsion to blog. This morning it hit me. Today is Father's Day and I have no one to wish a happy one to in real life. But there are lots of great dads here and they probably don't know how important they are. This is for them.
My parents divorced when I was an infant. I don't know how long they were married, maybe two years at most. I have a picture of my father holding me as a baby and that's it. I've never seen him or heard from him.
When I was still little, my mother married my first stepdad. She later said that he was a lot of fun and a great dancer. What kind of qualifications are those? Anyway, he was my brother and sister's father. But he was an alcoholic and they fought (I remember calling the police when I was 5 or 6, my mother had told me how "just in case"). In the meantime, my mother was having an affair with someone else. One day, when my stepdad went to work, this other man showed up and helped us move out. Just like that.
This man lived with us (or we lived with him, whichever) and eventually became my second stepdad. He had had some nervous breakdowns and was sort of emotionally fragile but, as long as he was medicated, the worst thing he did was sleep a lot. For four years we lived a relatively normal life. We did things together, went on short, inexpensive vacations, he had a regular job that he actually went to and life was generally stable and predictable.
Until one night when all the built up tensions over many, many things came to a head and that was the end of that. We were fatherless again.
It's incredible the yearning kids have for stability. Four years of it and I was a basket case when it was yanked away. I was 12 at the time and have very little recollection of the following months, I went somewhere else in my head. But that changed me forever and has made it difficult for me to attach to others. I never expected anyone to stay long in my life after that.
But the good news is that all my life, my grandfather stood in the gap. I lived with my grandparents during those times when home was in chaos or when my mother just didn't want to be bothered with me. I wish she'd have never wanted to be bothered with me and let me live with my grandparents always. Any upbringing I had that was of value was from them. Both my grandparents loved me but my grandfather thought the sun rose and set with me. He was 50 when I was born and he never did the things younger dads do with their kids. But he taught me to be an upright person and he loved me completely. It is so incredibly painful to think that I will never be loved so completely here on earth again.
So, Dads, I want to tell you how immeasurably important you are. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to do everything right, you just have to be there and love your kids. Dads, when you do that, you feed your children's spirits. You might not see the effect you have but I guarantee you, the effect on your children if you weren't there would be glaringly obvious and tragic.
I honor the Dads here. Not only those in the traditional role but those who have raised or are raising children you share no DNA with as your own. As well as those who, even though divorced from their mom, are knocking themselves out to still be there for their kids. And to the grandfathers, uncles and good guys who are standing in the gap with kids who are fatherless. You all are my heroes. May God bless you for what you do.
Happy Father's Day to you all!
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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Just Last Week - 7/12/2008 8:16:22 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9469
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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Like many, I love history. I love visiting battlefields and other historic places. I read history and spend a good deal of time thinking about events and people from other places and eras. As a matter of fact, I'm smitten with a coffee shop I just discovered in a late 18th century log cabin.
Here in the U.S. we cherish our Williamsburg and Gettysburg and all the other places that have figured so prominently in shaping us and making us who we are as Americans. But, think about it, the oldest historical places we can visit, Plymouth Rock for instance, date only to the late 17th century. Less than 400 years.
And I was thinking about this a few weeks ago in church. It was Saturday night service and the sanctuary was fairly packed. No matter what the topic or which part of the Bible the Pastor is using on any given weekend, Christ, His crucifixion and resurrection are always the point of everything. As I wa | | |
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