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Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 8:16:32 AM
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mack8882
Posts: 3
Joined: 11/18/2008
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I am just starting to date a girl from my church that I have really been interested in for awhile now. We had a conversation last night and she told me that she was in a 2-3 week relationship with one of my guy friends from church. We all hang out in the same young adult group through our church. She told me she really didn't want to be in the relationship, but felt obligated because of how needy the guy friend was being.
Should I feel angry that she even let herself be involved in a situation like this? Should I just pray that God did this for a reason and I should I be thankful that she was honest when I asked her if they had any history?
Thanks for any help.
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 9:22:52 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 796
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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Just curious, how old are both of you?
Maybe she feels a need to be open right away and have no secrets in your relationship. Dating someone just because you feel sorry for them isn't good, however, wait and see how things go with you.
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 11:41:02 AM
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mack8882
Posts: 3
Joined: 11/18/2008
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To answer your question of age...I am 26 and she is 24.
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 11:44:52 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2925
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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If she's not currently in a relationship with him, what's the problem?
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 12:30:18 PM
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3tulips
Posts: 324
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From: sandy shore
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
If she's not currently in a relationship with him, what's the problem?
Agreed. She was being honest with you. Maybe it is not something she would ever do again.
_____________________________
I opened up the mouth of love and found the wisdom tooth. Larry Norman 1947 - 2008
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 4:42:20 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mack8882
She told me she really didn't want to be in the relationship, but felt obligated because of how needy the guy friend was being.
She's not dating, she's rescuing, and that's not what male/female relationships are for. It's unhealthy and inappropriate. She's not acting healthy and appropriate, either. Understand that I'm looking at this as worst-case scenario. And I used to be like her; but no more.
She is being used. This guy should be getting help from another guy, not appealing to a maternal desire used wrongly. Probably she'll get tired of it and it will "weasel"* her, or she's really unhealthy herself (too unhealthy for a good marriage) and might let the relationship escalate.
You might encourage her to talk to the pastor or a spiritually mature older woman.
quote:
Should I feel angry that she even let herself be involved in a situation like this?
I don't think so, although you may feel you were "on track" with her and someone usurped your place. It doesn't seem healthy, does it. It may be your warning signal that you're interested in a woman who isn't healthy and doesn't act appropriately.
I grew up watching an unhealthy and inappropriate woman like this, and she made one bad decision after another all her life; she never learned from her mistakes. She hurt herself and her kids constantly.
quote:
Should I just pray that God did this for a reason and I should I be thankful that she was honest when I asked her if they had any history?
Absolutely God has a reason for this and you are wise to realize it. God wastes nothing. Be glad the woman is honest and that God is looking out for you. You may have dodged a bullet, so to speak: a lesson in how God does things right (appropriate relationships done biblically versus people being selfish and using others in inappropriate relationships).
What I'd be happy to see in her is "Wow, this isn't what God intended a man and woman to do; I'm not going to do this anymore. Hey, Dude, if you have a problem you need to fix it with godly counsel from the pastor or mature Christian man, not me. I'll pray for you but I'm not dating you anymore because messing with a woman's bonding emotions isn't a substitute for emotional and spiritual growth. See ya."
If the guy is unhealthy and the woman is unhealthy, they may be a match for each other. And thus, she wouldn't be a match with healthy you. They say you can know who a person is by the friends they keep.
Or, this is a learning experience that will weasel her forever from ever doing this again. *Weaseling is an expression that comes from how they used to train dogs to kill weasels: they'd lock a young dog in a barrel with a weasel and it was a fight to the death. If the dog won, it forever hated weasels and would attack whenever it saw one. If the dog lost, it died. Brutal, but you get my point: she's in an unhealthy place and it's probably going to hurt her. She'll either rise up and says she won't do this anymore, or she'll go along with it because a less than healthy relationship is good enough for her, and thus isn't good marriage material (for you).
So watch, pray like crazy, and maybe encourage her to get wise counsel. I'm a slow learner and had to get hurt several times before I said to myself, "This isn't good and I won't do it anymore." I'm now quick to see when a relationship isn't healthy - I was successfully weaseled. Not to say I'm always right, but more than before.
Sometimes the weasel wins. Pray they both get healthy.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 7:15:36 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1105
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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What? Were you expecting that she had never had a previous dating partner that had somehow not worked out? (If her previous dating relationships had worked well, if they had been good situations, you wouldn't be in the picture, now would you?) Why would you be angry about this?
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/18/2008 11:11:46 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 766
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Let me see if I'm reading this right
- the girl WAS in a relationship with someone else
and she's NOT in a relationship with him now... is that
correct?
*If she's NOT in a relationship with him any more
- there's no reason to be angry but there is a reason
to be a little cautious.
It's not a good thing to date someone
just because the person is "needy". Sympathy dating
isn't the right thing to do --- nor is it kind to lead someone
on. Is this girl maturing? Keep your eyes open and watch
how she interacts with the other guy and anyone else that's
"needy".
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/21/2008 6:26:48 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23491
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mack8882
I am just starting to date a girl from my church that I have really been interested in for awhile now. We had a conversation last night and she told me that she was in a 2-3 week relationship with one of my guy friends from church. We all hang out in the same young adult group through our church. She told me she really didn't want to be in the relationship, but felt obligated because of how needy the guy friend was being.
Should I feel angry that she even let herself be involved in a situation like this? Should I just pray that God did this for a reason and I should I be thankful that she was honest when I asked her if they had any history?
Thanks for any help.
My question to you, mack8882, is why are you wondering if you should feel angry?
Is it because she was in a relationship with someone else before you and she got together?
-OR-
Is it because that prior relationship she was in wasn't the healthiest of possibilities?
Either way, I'm confused as to why you are even wondering about if you should feel angry.
To be angry with someone for being in a relationship with someone else before you came along seems to me to be a bit rigid and somewhat arrogant. However, if what you're looking for in a girl is one who has had absolutely no prior relationships, then simply break off with the girl you're dating now and go your separate ways. This can be done civilly and kindly and without any anger.
To be angry with someone for being in an unhealthy relationship doesn't seem to be displaying much compassion for her. If you still think she isn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship or if you think that a relationship between you and her would be unhealthy, then, again, go your separate ways. And again, this can be done civilly and kindly and without any anger.
To be angry with someone for either of the examples is really puzzling to me. You weren't even involved with this girl during her prior relationship; it had nothing to do with you, so why take it so personally that you would be angry?
If the girl's prior relationship did have something to do with you (i.e., if she was in another relationship while also in one with you . . . or . . . if she was in another relationship to spite you), then you would have more to consider than just whether or not you should be angry.
_____________________________
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/21/2008 7:43:33 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3268
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quote:
Should I feel angry that she even let herself be involved in a situation like this? Should I just pray that God did this for a reason and I should I be thankful that she was honest when I asked her if they had any history?
Wow, if you're reacting like this because of her past, I'm more inclined to think that she should find a better man to date. Sounds like you have a lot of anger and controlling issues.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/21/2008 8:07:22 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6007
Status: offline
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Why would you feel angry? What the root of it? Jealousy? If so, you definitely need to do some soul searching.
I will share an experience from my past ... after my ex and I had been married a few years, we were out and about, and ran into a man who came up to me and asked "Is your name such-and-such?" Well, yeah. It was someone I used to date. Now, this was an incredibly handsome man, and my then husband was pretty quiet about the whole thing. The guy and I exchanged a few pleasantries, and it was done and over with. Well, a few days went by, and my then husband became quite enraged about the whole thing. Apparently he had a major jealously streak and had a big problem having met someone I had dated before he and I had ever met. In fact, he told me on a number of occasions that he wanted to go and beat the guy up, and put me in the very awkward situation of having to talk him out of it. Whatever had gone on between me and this guy was between me and this guy, it was done and over with, and he and I had simply run into each other and we were able to deal with it as mature adults.
Jealousy is a very intense emotion and can cause a person to act irrationally, most especially when dealing within the confines of a romantic relationship.
You absolutely must understand that anyone you will ever meet and become involved with has a past, and you need to be able to deal with it in a manner pleasing to God.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/21/2008 7:30:41 PM
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kellybelly
Posts: 8
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
Should I feel angry that she even let herself be involved in a situation like this? Should I just pray that God did this for a reason and I should I be thankful that she was honest when I asked her if they had any history?
And this is an issue for what reason? I have no idea why this would make you angry.
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RE: Weird Situation - 11/21/2008 7:57:59 PM
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still4gvn
Posts: 1536
Joined: 12/28/2005
From: just north of Seattle, WA
Status: offline
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She dated this guy 2-3 weeks and all this discussion? weird.
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