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Two shy people in a relationship - 11/10/2008 7:00:05 PM
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tigerfan88
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline
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So I've posted here before and have received some very awesome advice, so I thought I'd post again about something else.
Over a year ago I met a nice young man at college (I'm 20, he's 21) with whom I had a lot in common. We are both Christians. We were in a class together last semester, and in March, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. However, due to our schedules, we only saw each other at college, and once the semester ended, didn't see each other as much, so the relationship mutually ended in May. I told him at that point that I needed to take a break, as I was dealing with some issues. We both still cared a lot for each other and still do.
Long story short, we kept in contact over the summer, but did not see each other in person until October--I needed my space to heal. We've spent a few hours together down at college over the past couple of weeks, and it has been very good--we've had talks about us and wanting to get back together. The only issue I've seen (and this was an issue before) is that we're both so shy. It seems like, when we're together, I'm the one who is keeping the conversation going between us. Don't get me wrong, he's great at starting the conversation, but he seems to run out of things to say (whereas I'm poor at starting a conversation, but I have no difficulty in keeping it going). I guess I just don't really like to be the one who does most of the talking--I love listening a lot more. He also seems to be somewhat unwilling to pick what we do when we get together down at college (and there's a lot we can do), so when we've got together, all we've ended up doing is sat and talked, which means I basically have to keep coming up with things to keep the conversation flowing.
But that's not really the only issue. We were together 2 months and we never so much as held hands, hugged or kissed. And in reflecting on what happened before (we've had talks about this), one of his only "complaints" was that we never held hands, hugged or kissed. And I agree, that's a problem, but the thing is, he never initiated it. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe the guy should be the one who initiates the first handholding, kissing, hugging etc. I don't think I could initiate that for the first time, but it doesn't appear he's willing to, either. BTW, we're both strongly against premarital sex, neither of us crave it, but obviously we both think that it's important to have a tiny bit of intimacy in the relationship, so this other stuff is important.
So here we are essentially stuck. We both want to get back together and try a relationship, we both have a ton in common and I know are right for one another, care a lot about each other, but this "shyness" is keeping things from going further. What suggestions do you have for us? Should I make myself assume the responsibility of initiating some of these things when the time is right? Should I be the one to suggest what we do when we get together, at least in the beginning? Should I tell him outright that I think he should be doing this? Or are we, despite our things that we have in common, not really that right for each other? Thanks for any advice you can give.
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RE: Two shy people in a relationship - 11/10/2008 7:29:58 PM
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tigerfan88
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline
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Haha, honestly, the older I get, the more I wouldn't mind an arranged marriage. ;) But thanks. :)
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RE: Two shy people in a relationship - 11/10/2008 9:52:47 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1105
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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What I see here is a stuck-ness in the point of view that "I'm just like this" and "I'm just like that". The fact is that when shy people want relationships (or better relationships) they go to the trouble of identifying relationship skills that might help them. Then they learn those skills, practice them and make the effort to do the new uncomfortable things in the context of their relationship. You can find ways to work through and around these things if you aknowlege that it's going to take work for both of you to become the kind of people that can have a mutually satisfying relationship. It's also going to take a sense of humour and plenty of grace. The idea that good relationships somehow work "just the way you are" is a myth.
So, you both need some conversation skills. Fine. Get some books from the library about social conversations, small talk, how to make friends etc. Read them, trade, laugh about them, and try out the tips on each other. Also, try talking about something, like solar heating, old time missionaries, your grandmothers... real topics are much easier than "our relationship" "school" and extended small talk. You should also learn some good relationship discussion skills in which you can express your feelings accurately without starting blame games (that skill is an investment in a good marriage no matter what happens with this guy).
Do, however, acknowledge that men tend to be less verbal than women, and that "running out of things to say" is pretty common. Sometimes, not talking is pretty comfortable too. Perhaps finding more things to do will help with not needing to fill so much time with conversation. Other than "doing something" think also about reading together, listening to audio books or music, watching TV or sports.
If you are trapped in an "I don't know... What do you want to do?" loop. Try making a list of all the things that you can generally do most days, then play a game where you drop a quarter on the list and whatever it lands on, you do, unless one of you would rather not for some reason.
Or, alternatively, you can simply wait for him to ask you to do something, and pleasantly choose not to "go out" unless he has some idea of what he is inviting you to do.
However, if there is something you do want to do, be honest and let him know. There's no problem with you being an idea contributor too, and if you don't speak up, your preferences will never come into play.
Regarding physical expressions of affection, if you want them in your relationship there is no reason not to 'invite' them... even if you are planning on not actually initiating. This will make him feel that a physical advance is welcome, and will help him gather his courage, so that he is pretty sure that you are not going to reject him. You can do this by things like, leaving your hand face-up on a bench between you, or allowing your hand to gently brush near his while walking. You can lean in for a hug or tilt your head in a kiss-like pose... after your discussions he might be more forthcoming since he has it "on record" that you have said you would welcome such things.
You might consider being willing to be the initiator of certain things, just as a favour to him. You might find that holding out for old fashioned-ness will leave your first kiss for your wedding day -- which plenty of people do by choice... which you might want to consider, really.
He's not an initiator. He might learn to be, or you might learn to be less "old-fashioned" in expecting him to take the manly leader role. Either of those would be happy outcomes. If you both stay where you are, you're not so great together, but there's not much danger in that becoming a long-term problem -- because you can't get married without someone initiating something at some point.
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