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Rough Patch. Advice on How to Deal - 11/6/2008 12:17:07 AM
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TrueFish
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline
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I am just going to say it. I have been broke up from a 9 1/2 year relationship for 6months now. And even though I'M the one who told him to get out, I miss him.I'm 28/he's 27. I've asked him to leave a couple times before but this is the longest we've been broke up. It seems as if each time this has happened, that he goes out and "messes" with another woman or in all the cases they have been way younger so lets say just coming out of high school girls. Not saying they don't deserve to have someone, but just the fact that after two months of being broke up he's already with someone else still professing his love for me and texting me and trying to spend the nite and so on. It confuses me, but he says he's not with her, though he spends the night at her parents house with her, I've seen them out together, and he's always at her house; while when he lived here, he was never here. I know you may say why do you care. Cause he going back and forth. Two months after is just when I found out, he probably had her long before we broke up because she came around pretty quick. I know we lived together unequally yoked, so with all this happening I know its something that I'm going to have to deal with. It's hard to just cut those feeling off. He wanted to be a christian yet felt he just wasn't right yet, or as Lecrae put it he felt he "had to get his sins together". But I never saw him putting forth an effort to change. He's say "one day" as to keep me holding on but run off with his friends and maybe even her to smoke his weed, sell it, go to the ballgame, play playstation or just go out. And there I am at home with our three children wishing I had him like everybody else did. He shows nothing but time for her it seems. Why? When he's always telling me that he knows what he wasn't giving me. I wonder if anyone will want me with 3 kids. I think he plays on that too. He claims the other girl is gay or excuse me bisexual and I'm jealous cause someone else wants him but he doesn't want her because he's hoping to come back home. But she doesn't want to go into a relationship with him because of that either. So I guess their agreement is it's okay for us to mess off but let's not get attached. I Love me some God and I try to stay focused on him I do, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. I try not to let him occupy my mind but it's hard when he lives in the same town and says he doesn't need to see his kids everyday, but is in hers everyday! And how many times he's said he wants to come home but I just can't accept him for who he is. I am, just away from here. I had to separate one because our union (fornicating) was not right and two because our relationship had soured. Is it wrong to want him to get what he pays for (not on my hands though). "Revenge is mine sayeth the Lord". I need help getting through this. Am I entertaining him. I mean, what am I doing wrong. I need counsel, what should I do. Why is he being this way and doing this to me? Love and Peace, TrueFish.
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RE: Rough Patch. Advice on How to Deal - 11/6/2008 2:33:50 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 768
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Since you and him lived together and have 3 children - you do have the right to get child support from him - do not hesitate in seeking financial support from the man who fathered your children - make plans to get child support ASAP!
Emotional/sexual attachments are hard to break (but not impossible) -
Two people become one flesh... You are entangled by his bad choices and your heart is torn because you love him and allowed him to share your bed - and 3 innocent children were born into this cohabitation.
Untangling yourself from sexual sin will take a lot of hard work, prayer - start by getting right with the Lord for not living according to His standards. I urge you to repent of living in sin - set clear boundaries with the father of your children.
- get yourself into attending church faithfully and growing in knowledge of God and learn how to live the Christian life and raise your children in knowledge of God.
Just knowing the right biblical text is meaningless if you aren't living for the Lord and keeping yourself from worldliness/fornication. The Lord instructs us to Follow Him - not the World.
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RE: Rough Patch. Advice on How to Deal - 11/6/2008 6:28:26 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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Is this a "rough patch" or are you ready to end this? You know there's nothing good in this for you or for your children. If you keep letting him back in, you'll keep getting the same treatment.
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RE: Rough Patch. Advice on How to Deal - 11/6/2008 9:51:53 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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(((Hugs))) to you, TrueFish. I agree with the other posters here.
It helps me to outline things because I get fuzzy headed sometimes. Please let me do this here:
- you guys were living together but weren't married. That's called fornication in the Bible and you said you know that; good for you (most people have never heard that word). God in several places in the Bible condemns that sin (an archery term that means to miss the bull's eye. God is perfect and calls us to be like Him; He'll help you do that). God says this is habitual behavior of people who don't inherit the Kingdom of God. Gal. 5: 19-21. Have you confessed it (say you did it and know it's sin) and repented (stop doing it) and rejoiced that He forgives you? 1 John 1:8,9 It will be a big load off your back. Find a way to stop living like this; it just keeps hurting you.
You can start today as a new life, that says no to sex that isn't inside your marriage.
- your guy jumped from your bed to someone else's really fast. He's unfaithful to you and he's a serial fornicator. He has no self control in his sexuality. Unless he confesses, repents and strives to start living God's way, this is likely to be his behavior for the next 30-50 years. He may also be technically a child molester if any of those high school girls are under 18.
- you have three children and no father who has committed himself in marriage to their mother. I agree that at least he should support them. If he doesn't want to, the courts can force him.
- he's a drug dealer and user. He is hurting people, himself, and is looking at a prison term. Also, you could go to prison for being an accomplice. This guy is poison to you.
- he is playing games with your mind. This kind of manipulation is selfish and cruel. He's a bad guy trying to hurt you because he might get something for himself. He's a predator. His telling you he loves you doesn't ring true to me - he's using you and hurting you so he can do what he wants. Love sacrifices self for the benefit of the loved one, and he doesn't fit that description.
- you have bonded yourself to him by giving him your heart and your body. Breaking that bond hurts, but staying in a fornicating, drug-dealing, selfish relationship is worse. Steel your heart and get rid of him. Better to hurt for a year than for the rest of your life. Get your children away from him if you can (you may have to fight for custody, but if he's in jail it should be fairly easy). Do it legal, do it right. Protect your kids so they don't grow up to be like him.
I am praying for you and your kids and him today, dear one. Be strong in the Lord and get yourself out of this terrible place. God will help you, and He will revenge Himself on this guy so let Him do it, not you. And pray for him - God could turn him around. But let him prove it for several years before considering taking him back and marrying him. He's already proved he's a liar and selfish. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Rough Patch. Advice on How to Deal - 11/6/2008 10:51:33 PM
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TrueFish
Posts: 2
Joined: 11/5/2008
Status: offline
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oh thank you everyone. your advice is openly accepted and i agree. I do pray for him cause i do still think of him. He could be a sweet person at times. he got a phone, then a car and the kind of friends he gained over the years (one including my cousin) really negatively influenced him and that in turn flooded over into our relationship. alot of their ways became his ways. and those things he did to me (which were ways his friends treated their women or dealt with women period) he expected me to accept and sweep under the rug as if i'm not suppose to have feelings and feel okay about it. you can only suppress so much. then an explosion.
during the course of our relationship, he did ask me on three or four different occasions to marry him and had a ring to back it up. i said yes each time but also each time i did not feel right about marrying him. all the problems and arguments and hurt that i had experienced had me wondering if marrying him was the right thing. would the rest of my life be that way. yeah! and each time i would wear the ring and accept marrying him in hopes (the hopes he sold me) our relationship would get better or he would get right with God really. it kept ending in arguments and disappointments.
i am really tired of thinking about what he and she is doing and how he's treating her as opposed to me. i do hate that he's moved and do feel a little jealous "Thou shalt not covet". I know. i feel so cheated and emotionally abused. he claims this girl is bisexual and she was raped. though i feel bad that she was raped, does that make her more worthy of his time and attention that he give to her than me because i wasnt. thank God i havent been and wont be. so treat her with care because he feels she's fragile and just walk all over me. My goodness, its like a big slap in the face that to him i'm not or wasn't important enough. ( though i know that i am) just that while i was with him, i never felt that way and he doesn't see that. i felt like i was always jumping up and down trying to get him to see me and each time he chose "them" over me. our kids be4 me too. not that they aren't important, but where did i fit in? who was i to him? questions i shouldn't have had to ask him ya know.
Anywho, God IS my refuge. I do believe in and accept his will for me and my kids. He will make mine enemies my footstool. HE has walked with me thru this thing and i know HE is why Ive gone this long in all this because there have been times when i want to tell him to come back. The flesh is so weak! But our God is strong. My man will come and until then, patiently i wait and trust in the Lord that he will provide. God bless you all. And thanks for you prayers. much hugs to ya. Love and Peace. TrueFish
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