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Divorce and the Life that Follows - 10/31/2008 12:21:31 PM
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novitiate
Posts: 92
Joined: 3/9/2008
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I would like some advice and insight on the challenges that may come with involvement with someone that has had a failed marriage.
The gentleman in question is thirty-three. His wife of ten years became involved with another man outside of the marriage. The divorce will be finalized within a month's time and his ex spouse plans to remarry. During their union a child was conceived. He has accepted primary responsibility for the child and has embraced the role completely. However, the season has changed and his ex is now suing for full custody instead. I have begun praying for them all and trust the the Lord's will shall prevail.
My question is in relation to timing and the other nuances that are involved with dating someone that has experienced these things. I have never been married and believe it is a covenant for life. He holds these same principles and has been quite scarred by the betrayal that has occurred. It is clear that this is not the season for us to become involved. Nor do I wish to insert myself into a situation that is in contradiction to God's plan for us both.
I am a single parent and my daughter is nearly an adult. I have been blessed in this regard and we are close in age, I'm just four years older. As it has been mentioned before, we should be mindful of how we date and take time to consider many things before linking ourselves and our hearts with another. In spite of his experiences I find his character to be good and he has always been respectful and behaved appropriately when we spoke. I continue to pray for him and his circumstances and have asked others to intercede on his behalf as well.
I guess I am seeking encouragement and feedback on what this would entail for me in the months to come. I realize it is impossible to predict an outcome or to speculate on what God has designed for us. Our meeting was by chance and the connection that followed was a surprise for us both. However, it is not something we are pursuing at present. Yet, for some reason God has given me great peace about this as well.
Giving over this area of my life to the Lord is not something I've always done. I'm woefully inexperienced in this regard and do appreciate any sound advice you might offer.
_____________________________
God took my deficits and made them my offering.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 10/31/2008 1:27:20 PM
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DeeAnnBailey
Posts: 2618
Joined: 3/23/2006
From: SC
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My best advise would be to pray, pray and then pray some more.
_____________________________
D. Ann Bailey
My Blog Dee's Delights and Delusions
<<<<<<The love of my life - precious Erin!
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 10/31/2008 6:23:20 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1938
Joined: 9/26/2007
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The first thing that hits me is this poor guy is still in the middle of the blender of his divorce. He's just now starting to deal with the child. He needs time to deal and then heal so he can make a real bond of a second marriage.
Some guys can't stand being alone (which is biblical, but they aren't ready to marry before they've grieved the loss of the first marriage and healed from it) and they jump in to a second marriage too quick. I think under that circumstance, the second wife gets half a husband. I'm glad this guy isn't pursuing you hard; it would be a red flag.
You are wise to ask these questions now. He has biblical grounds for divorce, but it's still tearing him apart. He needs time.
Personally, I'd go through the same "deal breaker" list with him as I would a single suitor:
- does he have a good reputation with his pastor and other mature Christians who've known him for years? Does he get in to his Bible daily, act on what he learns there and deal with his sin quickly? Is he free of habitual or besetting sin? Does he let his understanding that God loves people drive him to love people, too?
- is he legally, emotionally and mentally available? (not already married or tied down somehow)
- is he teachable?
- is he emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually healthy, or willing and determined to become so?
- does he have the skills necessary for marriage (leadership, conflict resolution, knowledge of how marriage works)?
- is he finished with his education and have a career that will support a family?
Since that child is his, how he deals with it is going to tell you about his character and sense of family obligation. God bless you.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 10/31/2008 7:19:31 PM
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novitiate
Posts: 92
Joined: 3/9/2008
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I have been praying about this and can honestly say that I have left it in God's hands. I have learned from past experience that He knows far better than I who is suitable for me. This represents tremendous growth on my part. In the past I have reached for inappropriate pairings and was left wondering why and thanking my lucky stars for unanswered prayers later on.
He has opted to provide the bulk of care for his daughter. His wife is a physician and has a demanding schedule. From our earliest discussions he seems to relish his role. He has demonstrated this by enrolling in culinary classes and improving his skills in other areas that would benefit them both. Based on the things he shared thus far it appears that he desires to take an active part in her rearing and is willing to sacrifice time and other conveniences that shared custody would bring.
I agree wholeheartedly with you on the second wife syndrome and the fact many do not wish to be alone. He has spoken candidly about this subject and admitted that he has made mistakes in the past. I believe he desires to have the fulfilling long lasting marriage that he always envisioned he'd have. His heart has not hardened to love at all. But he does need to heal and allow time to do its part.
He is hurting about the split and never speaks ill of his ex. Nor does he vent either. He has remained respectful in his dialogue where she is concerned and admitted that the experience has taught him a lot. Both good and bad. Lessons which he has embraced and is attempting not to repeat going forward.
I was uncertain of his religious leanings. When I learned of his recent problems I responded kindly and also sent a second email expressing concern and support. I shared a few prayers that proved helpful for me when I found myself in a similar mindset. I was unaware if he'd be receptive to these things but I felt led to do so. Today he informed me that my words touched him and brought a greater sense of hope and a smile to his face. I'm certain as time passes we will delve into his beliefs. As this is very important to me when considering a potential partner.
I love your list. It gives me much to chew on. We are still getting acquainted and the process is one that should not be rushed. If the Lord wishes for us to walk hand in hand it shall come to pass. While we are learning more about one another I will be able to discern if the things you mentioned are in my favor or outside of it.
In regard to his career he is well established and has completed graduate level education in his field of expertise. He appears happy in what he does and pursues outside passions in areas that compliment my interests as well. We have a great deal in common and I find his ability to admit his fears, errors, and shortcomings to be a welcome change.
He appears to be teachable and is willing to listen. He admits that he doesn't know everything and is willing to learn when needed. His spirit is fairly humble and his disposition is pleasant. I have paid close attention to the things he says about his child. As a single parent I'm well aware of the challenges parenting brings. Some people delight in being a parent. They find fulfillment in that role. He seems to enjoy having her home with him.
As for his emotional state. I believe that is a work in progress. Something he admits and is working towards. He has not pressured me at all nor have I been made to feel it is now or never. Instead, I have simply given the matter over to the Lord and sincerely asked Him to guide my steps.
It is my sincerest belief whether he walks with me or another instead. When he has fully healed from the failed marriage he will make someone an excellent husband.
Thank you so much deermousie for your wonderful words of encouragement and the priceless wisdom shared. God bless you.
_____________________________
God took my deficits and made them my offering.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 10/31/2008 9:40:51 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1938
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: novitiate
I was uncertain of his religious leanings. When I learned of his recent problems I responded kindly and also sent a second email expressing concern and support. I shared a few prayers that proved helpful for me when I found myself in a similar mindset. I was unaware if he'd be receptive to these things but I felt led to do so. Today he informed me that my words touched him and brought a greater sense of hope and a smile to his face. I'm certain as time passes we will delve into his beliefs. As this is very important to me when considering a potential partner.
OK, I see a major red flag here. Christians who have examined their lives know that the most important thing about them is Jesus. He created us, He bought us back at the cross, He defeated death to save us, He keeps our hearts beating, He calls us to live for Him and in Him. For a guy who doesn't talk the talk and is only "touched by someone's prayer" sounds like a person to whom Jesus is a nice idea. That's all. And maybe that was calculated to make you think he was a Christian like you when he doesn't give a hoot. I'm guessing.
This doesn't sound like a person who can lead his family spiritually, or stand strong when the world insists he sin or back down, or can make decisions based on God's Word and truth and not on his feelings or perceived gain of the moment.
This guy is emotionally unavailable to you, is tied up in a divorce and a kid, and looks like he's playing "nice Christian" when it's not a major factor in his life (either he's being misguidedly polite, or he's dishonest). You have to decide how to live your life, but in your shoes I would run; I insist on a man who is a Christian first. A strong one - life is hard.
God bless you, Novitiate. You'd like to be married and it's been a long wait. I understand - I didn't marry until my late thirties, and thought I never would. Maybe you're like me, though - I'd rather be happy single than miserable married. I am praying for you tonight. (((hugs)))
quote:
I love your list.
Thank you! We have a daughter of marriageable age and this is what we came up with so we won't be broadsided if a guy comes asking for her. We can just stumble through the list and see what he says (after contacting his pastor and parents. Yes, we really will). 
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 10/31/2008 10:14:21 PM
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novitiate
Posts: 92
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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We spoke briefly while he was at work. He was unable to respond as he wished to my emails due to his hectic schedule today. We will be speaking later and will certainly discuss his religious leanings. The time was simply not appropriate nor were we afforded the luxury of delving into the subject at all. He's been very forthcoming about his life and the questions I've posed thus far. I don't think he would pretend where this is concerned.
It is difficult to play Christian, particularly if one person is deeply committed. The other will have a hard time fully embracing and emulating that lifestyle over a period of time. My walk has been far from perfect. I try to keep this in mind when I meet people. I believe some of this stems from the legalism I observed while attending my father's church. He and my stepmother are ordained. It took me a long time to find my way back to the Lord, but I have done so without forgetting from whence I've come.
I remain steadfast in prayer on this subject. God knows best where we both belong. Thank you again for your kindness and prayers. You have been more than generous.
_____________________________
God took my deficits and made them my offering.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/2/2008 9:55:23 PM
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DeeAnnBailey
Posts: 2618
Joined: 3/23/2006
From: SC
Status: online
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quote:
We spoke briefly while he was at work. He was unable to respond as he wished to my emails due to his hectic schedule today. We will be speaking later and will certainly discuss his religious leanings
You concern should be his salvation, not his religious 'leanings'. If you think this is something that could be long term PC terms to make it easier to avoid a direct answer is not the right path.
quote:
It is difficult to play Christian, particularly if one person is deeply committed. The other will have a hard time fully embracing and emulating that lifestyle over a period of time.
You would be surprised how many can do this for a LONG time. If you become confident in this, you are setting yourself up for possible future pain.
_____________________________
D. Ann Bailey
My Blog Dee's Delights and Delusions
<<<<<<The love of my life - precious Erin!
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/2/2008 10:19:43 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 2059
Joined: 2/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: novitiate
It is clear that this is not the season for us to become involved. Nor do I wish to insert myself into a situation that is in contradiction to God's plan for us both.
Ok, if that is clear, then look a little further down at what you said about being at peace with this.
quote:
I am a single parent and my daughter is nearly an adult. I have been blessed in this regard and we are close in age, I'm just four years older.
Who are you 4 years older than, him? I know not your daughter.
quote:
I realize it is impossible to predict an outcome or to speculate on what God has designed for us. Our meeting was by chance and the connection that followed was a surprise for us both. However, it is not something we are pursuing at present. Yet, for some reason God has given me great peace about this as well.
This totally contradicts the beginning of your post
quote:
Giving over this area of my life to the Lord is not something I've always done. I'm woefully inexperienced in this regard and do appreciate any sound advice you might offer.
Ok, I am looking at this and first, it seems as if you have not met him or do not spend much time with him in person. But that is just by how you posted, I could be wrong. If I were you, I would be thinking about what I quoted in the very beginning of your post and what you said later on about having peace, and you also make it sound as if you think God put you together and that you are resisting a relationship. And finally, if you both think marriage is lifelong, and yes, he does have grounds for divorce, you might want to think about the remarriage part.
I don't want to sound like a hypocriate, because I am re-married, but at the time of my re-marriage, neither of us did belong to Christ and while I believe that we are new people when we come to Christ, that doesn't change the fact that I do sometimes question my re-marriage and whether or not it is right in his eyes. But you already stated that BOTH of you believe marriage is lifelong.
And someone else touched on it before. He was "touched" by your prayer? While you may be helpful in bringing him to Christ, if I were you, I would not pursue anything until he is there. You said you have your struggles, and if you struggle, bringing someone into your life like that who has that road ahead of him, could not be good for you. I was always taught to cling to strong people when it came to that and if I had to say what the biggest mistake I made was, I would say that it was starting a relationship with my current husband while I was struggling with my own faith.
I know some people out there may disagree with me, but that is just how I feel. I do love my husband and we have been through alot together, but because of the circumstances we were in at the time of our relationship and our marriage, I do sometimes doubt that it was the right time. I have no doubt that we belong together, I just wish that it would have happened before my first marriage eventhough Christ was not a thought in my mind when I got married the second time around.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/3/2008 3:05:26 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2924
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
The gentleman in question is thirty-three. His wife of ten years became involved with another man outside of the marriage. The divorce will be finalized within a month's time and his ex spouse plans to remarry.
HE'S STILL MARRIED!!!!!
Your main concern should be: 1. His salvation and 2. His marriage...the marriage he currently has. You should be praying day and night for their reconcilliation. You shouldn't even be considering him as a potential mate for yourself. He's off limits.
quote:
Nor do I wish to insert myself into a situation that is in contradiction to God's plan for us both.
Your involvement with him, even if just by email, is inserting yourself. You could be potentially sabataging any flicker of hope that their marriage be reconciled.
quote:
During their union a child was conceived. He has accepted primary responsibility for the child and has embraced the role completely.
What a nice, sterile way of putting it. You mean: he is a father with a precious child. He and his wife weren't just a "union". They ARE a family. All the more reason he (and you) need to pray for the reconcilliation of his marriage.
quote:
I have been praying about this and can honestly say that I have left it in God's hands. I have learned from past experience that He knows far better than I who is suitable for me. This represents tremendous growth on my part. In the past I have reached for inappropriate pairings and was left wondering why and thanking my lucky stars for unanswered prayers later on.
You are still reaching for an inappropriate pairing.
Now, if he were already divorced and his wife was already remarried then I would recommend that you explore a relationship with him in about 4 years after he's participated in extensive divorce recovery counseling and groups -- provided he is also a committed follower of Jesus Christ.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/8/2008 11:04:26 PM
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novitiate
Posts: 92
Joined: 3/9/2008
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At the time the original post was written I was not aware what his religious leanings were because the topic had not been broached. He is a believer and active in his church and very thankful that I offered prayers for him and provided some that helped me as well.
He is no longer married. The divorce finalizes this month. His ex spouse had numerous affairs and resides with the man she plans to remarry upon completion of the divorce. He explained that he bears primary responsibility for his daughter. His wife never wanted a child. She is solely committed to her career but is involved nonetheless.
I apologize if my original question was unclear. I am four years older than him. Our meeting was by chance on here and our conversations have been pleasant. I am not familiar with the intricacies of divorce and the life that follows, which is why I posed the question in the first place. I was not certain how starting over is addressed by someone who has suffered a divorce.
I am not interfering in his life as has been suggested. His wife has left and has no desire to return. His attempts at reconciliation were unsuccessful and he has accepted they are finished. I pray for him and his family and hope that the transition will be a smooth one for everyone involved, in particular his child.
I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.
_____________________________
God took my deficits and made them my offering.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/9/2008 9:36:50 AM
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becomingwhole
Posts: 28
Joined: 7/18/2005
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Novitiate,
My heart goes out to you and your friend. I understand the divorce is almost final and that she plans to remarry, but you never know what God will do if a person chooses his ways. I am saying please give him time to heal, and for her to marry another then he will be free.
My dh left me for another woman, and planned on marrying her as soon as the divorce was final, but 4 months after it was final he was knocking at my and asking for another chance. I not saying she will come back, but with God anything is possible.
There is a person that I know who is divorced. Her dh left her because of drug problems, and the list goes on ... On Monday night she tried to kill herself and is only here for the grace of GOD. She was drunk and the gun her eye out and did damage to her voice box and face. Her xdh showed up at the hospital stayed for days, when she woke up, she wrote on a piece of paper to tell him thank you, and how sorry she is. Then she asked him for a kiss.... He did then went home and broke up with his girlfriend, because his words were, "If she will let God bring her back to our family, then I have to know I did everything possible".
I could go on and on... I have seen God many times in different times spans, some quick, some years, restore marriages...
The reason I wanted to post was not to hurt you, but help understand with God nothing is ever final.
Becomingwhole
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/9/2008 7:38:47 PM
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novitiate
Posts: 92
Joined: 3/9/2008
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I did not take offense with your words, for I sense the sincerity behind them. You are correct, this is most difficult. I have prayed earnestly about this situation and left it in God's hands. If it is His will for us to be together that will come to pass, if not it is something I must accept.
I cannot say for certain why our paths have crossed. It was uncanny at best, but God always has a plan and nothing happens by chance. Whatever the case I recognize that time is needed for healing. Betrayal takes a toll on the heart and wreaks havoc upon our self-esteem as well. Multiple instances would only heighten these feelings. It is important that he is restored and finds peace and forgiveness after all that has occurred. I trust the Lord will help him heal.
I wish I could say more but I just don't know. I cannot predict the outcome. I wish for the best for us all. But in the end things will be as they should. Thank you for sharing.
_____________________________
God took my deficits and made them my offering.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/10/2008 9:40:13 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 703
Joined: 6/9/2005
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novitiate,
My advice: do not even consider getting involved with this man beyond friendship for at least 2 years. In my experience, that is about how long it takes for a divorced person to really start to put the past behind them and go on. He has a lot of adjustments to make--being the sole caretaker of his child, dealing with betrayal, coming to terms with his part in the breakup (no matter what she did, he is not 100% innocent), learning to trust again, working through grief and anger--so it doesn't come out at the next spouse/SO.
I know of a few limited cases were it did not take a so long for a person to come out of a divorce, but in these cases, either the divorce process had already lasted a year or more and/or there was an emotional divorce/physical separation well before any legal proceedings...and in none of these cases was there a child involved. The child will (likely) extend the time that it takes for the adjustment from married to single again.
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/10/2008 9:59:03 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2924
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
He is no longer married. The divorce finalizes this month.
Until the divorce finalizes he is still married.
quote:
I am not familiar with the intricacies of divorce and the life that follows, which is why I posed the question in the first place. I was not certain how starting over is addressed by someone who has suffered a divorce.
Having been divorced, having led a DivorceCare group, knowing others who have divorced, I can tell you that he will not be ready for a new, healthy, relationship for a bare minimum of 2 years. DivorceCare recommends a minimum of 4 years post divorce before entering into new relationships. Experience tells me that it takes more like 6 years to recover and leave the mess behind rather than dragging all the baggage into any new relationship.
Also, having observed too many divorces, the first relationship after a divorce, especially if that relationship started prior to the divorce finalizing, are more often than not temporary. They are rebound relationships that are primarily used to anesthitize the pain of divorce. They generally result in compounding the pain and spreading it around.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/10/2008 10:09:27 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2924
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
I have prayed earnestly about this situation and left it in God's hands. If it is His will for us to be together that will come to pass, if not it is something I must accept.
I am really not trying to be mean but you need to start accepting that this relationship is not God's will. I can tell you that based on scripture. This man is still married. Don't let "almost finalized" fool you. He is married. God is all about restoring marriages. Entering into a relationship with someone who is "almost divorced" undermines the chances of reconcilliation, compounds the pain, and leads to emotional adultery if not worse. He has no business turning any affection towards you as long as he is married to her.
quote:
I cannot say for certain why our paths have crossed. It was uncanny at best, but God always has a plan and nothing happens by chance.
God isn't the only one who makes plans. Just remember, God's plans don't lead you to sin.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Divorce and the Life that Follows - 11/10/2008 9:44:09 PM
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novitiate
Posts: 92
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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I appreciate the sentiments and advice. I have removed myself from the situation completely. I feel it is in my best interest to do so. Having met in this medium there are things one can never know and he has spoken to others in the past. Thank you again for your help. *s*
_____________________________
God took my deficits and made them my offering.
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