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Confused - 10/24/2008 8:06:21 PM
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bigfrank
Posts: 132
Joined: 12/2/2005
From: Battle Ground, WA
Status: offline
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So during the spring of this year I was on the verge of a relationship with a young lady. Just for reference, I was 20 and she was 21. We would hang out all the time, do homework together and such. She seemed like a wonderful person. It got to the point where I figured it would be time to take things to the next level so I took her to a park and we had a picnic. While there, I gave her a poem that I wrote, asking her to be my girlfriend. I figured that she was ready. She was speechless for a moment, but she seemed vaguely reluctant. When I saw that she was struggling with something, I told her that if she really wanted more time to think about things, that I was happy to give her more time. So we left the park and I sort of expected her to think things over and then get back to me.
Well, she didn't mention it for a while, and I felt that I had to have hope if the relationship was going to work, but over time, she didn't respond and I figured the chances were slimming with each day. After three weeks I finally asked her what her decision was. She told me that she liked me but she didn't want to start something because we wouldn't be together over the summer and she would be leaving the area next spring break. In my mind, I noted that it still would have been a very significant amount of time, but I didn't say anything and accepted that as her answer. We still hung out some, but I didn't see much of a point in it anymore. It felt like she just wanted my attention.
Well, I got back to the University this year, and here she is dating someone. I found myself hurt by this conduct, but I don't want to cause any trouble, so I haven't talked with her about it. I have wondered if she lied to me or if she changed her mind. I know, though, that my conscience is free from this relationship as I always kept in mind that if she didn't choose me, I was determined that she go in better emotional, spiritual and even physical shape than when I first started pursuing her. In this way, I ensured that I would not hurt her.
Last night I had a conversation about my situation with my roommate, a guy whose opinion I respect, and he suggested that I ask her about it. He agreed that it seemed like a "trashy," as he would say, thing for her to do. He made sure to point out that I do it in a positive way, like asking what she liked or disliked about me and how we could individually improve from the relationship. My question is, should I ask her about it? What do you think?
Kevin
_____________________________
A man should never let a salad beat him.
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RE: Confused - 10/24/2008 9:19:45 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 426
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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I must be missing something. She has given you her answer already. When three weeks go by and she didn't respond, you must realize that no answer IS an answer, even if it may be rude.Then you asked her and she AGAIN told you that she does not want to be in a relationship with you. What part is confusing you? She did not lie to you, she is telling you clearly what she wants and doesn't want.
I'm sorry that you are hurt and disappointed but you need to let her go. There is nothing more to discuss.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Confused - 10/24/2008 10:14:33 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 765
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
My question is, should I ask her about it? What do you think?
It sounds like you aren't over being rejected.
If you can't be a friend to her at this time, its best not to be around her until you are over feeling that tinge of rejection.
She doesn't have to account to you for why she's dating someone else...
I think her explanation was put to you in a way that
wouldn't be too hurtful to you Kevin... she didn't have any romantic interest in you. Being rejected is hard... no matter how nicely someone tries to tell you that they aren't interested in you. It hurts!
We feel hurt/upset when we see the person we wanted, dating someone else. I've been through that many times in my life... I'm so glad it's all behind me now.
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RE: Confused - 10/24/2008 10:54:29 PM
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Locke
Posts: 355
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline
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bigfrank,
To summarize and agree with the above: you've got your answer. I know it's hard, but you need to not invest so much emotionally in relationship prospects. If a girl saying 'no' is still bothering you more than a few weeks down the road, you likely let your heart go way too early. Take a step back and learn from this – guard your heart.
Also, try not to be too concerned with this girl's behavior. She doesn't owe you anything, and she doesn't report to you. If she's happy with this new guy, try to be happy for her. If you really care about her, you will. Pray for her even – everyone can use more prayer in their lives. Keep your eyes open to the people around you, and your heart safely in God's hands. Who knows – the girl of your dreams might be waiting for you to get over this girl...
_____________________________
View my blog and find links to my writing, graphic design, an online game and more! Click here!!
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RE: Confused - 10/25/2008 12:22:48 AM
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bigfrank
Posts: 132
Joined: 12/2/2005
From: Battle Ground, WA
Status: offline
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Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Just out of curiosity, I know Wild-Rose is of the female persuasion, but would I be wrong in guessing that jamiestarcross is as well? I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go into greater detail, but it appears as though I must.
I have no problem with being rejected, if it is done in the right way. I understand the word "no." I have no trouble understanding that the truth is, she didn't want a relationship. I also have drawn the conclusion that I don't want to have a relationship with this person anymore and have thought so since about the point when it started to become "rude." I don't understand the explanation and I don't understand why it took so long to come to that conclusion.
She didn't want to get into a relationship because she was going to be leaving the area "soon."
Why is she getting into one now, at a time that is even closer to when she will leave?? Either she lied to me or she changed her mind. Both ways, she wasn't true to her word. THAT'S what I have a problem with. Is it really that hard to tell the truth? Why are people usually lying to me? Along with that, I have a problem with people who lead others on. When was the last time that you took three weeks to tell someone that you weren't actually going to continue a relationship with them? No answer is an answer all right. A really "trashy" one. Love isn't a game, and yet so many people treat it like one.
"Hey, he just asked me to be his boyfriend, but I don't think I feel like responding in any way."
Great, I just put myself out on a limb to ask you out and you're going to just wait around. Might as well saw my metaphorical limb off the tree. I mean, no need for an explanation right? No need to make sense! Let's all do everything arbitrarily!!
And when I am waiting for a response, I figure that I should probably try to keep the hope in actually having a relationship alive, because if I give up that hope, then I'm pretty sure that she will pick up on that and the relationship would be doomed anyway. So I have to hope, but then if my hope is unfulfilled, well, you ought to know.
Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Therefore prolonging the end decision for three weeks, in the end, makes things worse.
Sure, she doesn't have to tell me why she's doing what she's doing. A lot of things don't HAVE to be done. Speaker companies don't have to tell you why they force retailers to mark up their speakers to $800 when the actual cost of making them was about $10-15 and they sell to retailers for $100. But don't you want to know why they are so expensive? If you just bought $800 speakers, would you be mad that the company made them for $15? You could have paid $15 for those! In the same way, I had a "price" modified. But when you tell me one thing and do another, then in my mind, there is an issue. Perhaps in the minds of others, this is not an issue? Are people actually ok with this? Should I just expect people to basically lie to me? Is it normal? Is it the cool thing to do? Because it sounds like it is. Is that the vibe I'm picking up here?
quote:
she didn't have any romantic interest in you.
Well, she could have fooled me!! She acted like she did. Name any signal and she probably sent it. Think about it, I've seen some pretty strong signals from some people who I thought were decent enough to mean it. Turns out they weren't interested. We were practically dating. Nope, not interested. Well shoot dang, why did they act like it? If I asked you how I would tell that a girl liked me, you would undoubtedly respond by explaining various signals that show interest. I'm telling you right now, that I have seen all of that and more, and nope, not interested. It's immature and it gets really old, really fast. I don't appreciate being toyed around with. Do you feel me now?
Sorry about the rant, but it's probably therapeutic.
_____________________________
A man should never let a salad beat him.
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RE: Confused - 10/25/2008 12:46:28 AM
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Locke
Posts: 355
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline
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bigfrank,
You missed several key points in their entirety – the most important of them being that you are WAY too emotionally invested in a relationship that never left the ground. No commitment was made, and therefore no responsibility can be demanded. Whatever there was, (or you thought there was), obviously was either a mis-read on your part (very easy to do in my experience. Some girls flirt as easily as breathing, without even realizing it) OR she's changed her mind. In either case, that's her right and you need to respect that.
Regardless of what she said exactly, there was only one message in her words that she wanted you to pay attention to, IMO: "no thank you." It would be nice if girls always had the courage to give you an answer straight-up, but they don't. You need to forgive her for that and move on. You sound very bitter, and that's a bad place to be from such a small thing. Yes, it is small. I don't take the wounded condition of your heart lightly, but you've got a lot bigger things headed your way in life. When you look back ten years from now, I guarantee you'll know what I mean.
_____________________________
View my blog and find links to my writing, graphic design, an online game and more! Click here!!
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RE: Confused - 10/25/2008 11:49:20 AM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 426
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline
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quote:
Hey, he just asked me to be his boyfriend, but I don't think I feel like responding in any way."
More likely:
He wants me to be his girlfriend, but that's not going to happen. Of course, I can't tell him that straight out because of the drama that is sure to follow. He'll expect explanations, then he will argue or demand more explanations and I can't deal with that. Sooner or later he will have to figure it out. I have moved on. Too bad for him that he got overly involved before there was any relationship to speak of.
Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but this was over before it began.
She didn't avoid an answer to be cruel, she avoided the scene that was sure to take place.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Confused - 10/25/2008 2:25:15 PM
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bigfrank
Posts: 132
Joined: 12/2/2005
From: Battle Ground, WA
Status: offline
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quote:
Yes, it is small. I don't take the wounded condition of your heart lightly, but you've got a lot bigger things headed your way in life. When you look back ten years from now, I guarantee you'll know what I mean.
I definitely understand. It's true. I shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill.
quote:
Sometimes I wonder if God allows that to happen to keep us from becoming committed to someone who isn't as good a match as the one God has planned for us.
This thought had crossed my mind as well. It's more than likely to be true. Clearly, God has someone else in mind.
quote:
He wants me to be his girlfriend, but that's not going to happen. Of course, I can't tell him that straight out because of the drama that is sure to follow. How do we know that there will be drama?He'll expect explanations, then he will argue or demand more explanations and I can't deal with that. I wouldn't and didn't argue with any explanation if it was at all decent. Why wouldn't she be able to deal with it if I questioned something?Sooner or later he will have to figure it out. I have moved on. She moved on but was somehow still spending tons of time with me? Not a very decent thing to do.Too bad for him that he got overly involved before there was any relationship to speak of.Are you seriously suggesting to me that she didn't have a significant relationship with me before I asked her out?
Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but this was over before it began. If so, I would be happy to know about it...before it began, and not after I put lots of time and effort into it.
Oh well. Perhaps I am over-thinking it...a lot. I will continue on and I'll be just fine. But, the whole thing makes for great motivation to exercise.
Shine on.
Kevin
_____________________________
A man should never let a salad beat him.
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RE: Confused - 10/25/2008 5:41:15 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 426
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline
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quote:
Are you seriously suggesting to me that she didn't have a significant relationship with me before I asked her out?
Yes, exactly. She may have had a friendship with you, but clearly you wanted more. It was not as significant to her as it was to you.
God bless you. You are correct to not over analyze it. Let it go. Move one.
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Confused - 11/1/2008 6:28:51 PM
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lionofzion56
Posts: 47
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bigfrank
So during the spring of this year I was on the verge of a relationship with a young lady. Just for reference, I was 20 and she was 21. We would hang out all the time, do homework together and such. She seemed like a wonderful person. It got to the point where I figured it would be time to take things to the next level so I took her to a park and we had a picnic. While there, I gave her a poem that I wrote, asking her to be my girlfriend. I figured that she was ready. She was speechless for a moment, but she seemed vaguely reluctant. When I saw that she was struggling with something, I told her that if she really wanted more time to think about things, that I was happy to give her more time. So we left the park and I sort of expected her to think things over and then get back to me.
Well, she didn't mention it for a while, and I felt that I had to have hope if the relationship was going to work, but over time, she didn't respond and I figured the chances were slimming with each day. After three weeks I finally asked her what her decision was. She told me that she liked me but she didn't want to start something because we wouldn't be together over the summer and she would be leaving the area next spring break. In my mind, I noted that it still would have been a very significant amount of time, but I didn't say anything and accepted that as her answer. We still hung out some, but I didn't see much of a point in it anymore. It felt like she just wanted my attention.
Well, I got back to the University this year, and here she is dating someone. I found myself hurt by this conduct, but I don't want to cause any trouble, so I haven't talked with her about it. I have wondered if she lied to me or if she changed her mind. quote:
I know, though, that my conscience is free from this relationship as I always kept in mind that if she didn't choose me, I was determined that she go in better emotional, spiritual and even physical shape than when I first started pursuing her. In this way, I ensured that I would not hurt her.
quote:
Last night I had a conversation about my situation with my roommate, a guy whose opinion I respect, and he suggested that I ask her about it. He agreed that it seemed like a "trashy," as he would say, thing for her to do. He made sure to point out that I do it in a positive way, like asking what she liked or disliked about me and how we could individually improve from the relationship. My question is, should I ask her about it? What do you think?
Kevin
why do you respect someone's opinions who calls this girl you used to like trashy?
just wondering.
you actually remind me a lot of my exboyfriend.
the part about
my exboyfriend always said this. and he (and i both) got really hurt in the end.
i know we are to love others as we love ourselves, but we do need to love ourselves.
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
also, u said all this makes for good work-outs... i think it would make for good prayer!!
p.s. sorry for the responses being backwards and such, i need to learn how to quote things in here!! (help??)
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Embrace Yourself!
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RE: Confused - 11/2/2008 1:23:34 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2074
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bigfrank
Well, I got back to the University this year, and here she is dating someone. I found myself hurt by this conduct, but I don't want to cause any trouble, so I haven't talked with her about it. I have wondered if she lied to me or if she changed her mind.
I agree with everything Locke posted. But this segment of your post bothered me. She didn't owe you anything and certainly doesn't owe you an explanation of her "conduct"....That seems like a somewhat heavy twisted load to put one someone you weren't even dating - you had no claim to her and if you got some wrong idea or impression, I'm sorry. Let it go.
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RE: Confused - 11/3/2008 2:10:00 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4477
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bigfrank
"Hey, he just asked me to be his boyfriend, but I don't think I feel like responding in any way."
She didn't want to get into a relationship because she was going to be leaving the area "soon."
it can be kinda awkward to reject someone ... and even more so if they are pressing you for details ... i think she was just trying to avoid answering and then letting you down gently (in her mind) ... or maybe this new guy is SO great in her opinion (FOR HER, nothing against you) that she didn't care about anything else ...
she thought you two weren't a good match and you deserve someone who thinks you are ...
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Confused - 11/3/2008 2:47:13 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2924
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
Why is she getting into one now, at a time that is even closer to when she will leave?? Either she lied to me or she changed her mind.
Or, she met someone who takes her breath away and even though she may be leaving soon she wants to explore whether or not this relationship has life altering potential.
Quite frankly, her needing time to consider whether or not she wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you should have told you there wasn't much potential for one.
Someday you will meet someone who will banish all practical considerations. And, just for future reference, study buddies rarely become anything more serious.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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God and I had numerous "discussions" about this when I was single, and it turned out He knew best all along).
